Denial Part I

Show me a person who is addicted to drugs, alcohol, pornography, or other harmful behaviors and I’ll show you a person who is in denial.  The two go hand in hand.  Denial is defined as the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

Indicators that we are in denial

    We are in denial when we cannot see that what we do is harmful to ourselves and others. Yes, we may admit that what we are doing could be a possible problem for someone else; but, we usually cannot see the terrific harm and toll it is bringing upon us. We fail to see the impact that quantities of wasted time, the constant feedings of our egos, and the withdrawal of our feelings from our friends and loved ones is having upon us
    We may convince ourselves that it is necessary to hide what we are doing and lie, to cover our tracks.  We say that we do this to protect the feelings of others who “wouldn’t understand.” During all of this, we cannot see that our thoughts have become so warped that we continually lie to ourselves and others.  Lying becomes second nature.

We are in denial when we can’t see that our problems are greater than the behaviors in which we participate.

    It isn’t just the drinking and using, it’s all the other things that go with it that harm our integrity and make us difficult to be with and loved by others. We don’t see the dramatic shift taking place in our personalities, nor our selfish and rude behaviors. We think we’re the same person we always were.
    We become takers instead of givers. We become resentful that those close to us don’t meet our needs (as we perceive them). We don’t see our part of the problems we have between people. Even if we have been involved in our compulsions since our partners have known us, we cannot see the escalation that is taking place within–but our partners can–believe me!

We are in denial and cannot see the harm we bring to our families or loved ones

    We always risk being found out and losing credibility with our families when we participate in our addiction. The fact that we are willing to risk this is an indication of our sickness.
    The fact that we are willing to risk breaking the hearts of those who love us speaks to our denial. Many of us actually believe that we cannot ever be found out. There is arrogance in that kind of attitude; and of course, a denial of our arrogance.
    We stop honoring commitments we’ve made to ourselves and others. And we become self-centered and cannot understand that we are breaking precious emotional connections.  We become angrier and hold on to resentments.  We see our actions as justifiable and blame others for our discontent.

We are in denial that our minds and emotions are being harmed.

    We think we can drink and use without harming our minds and emotions. We don’t realize the amount of mental energy we give to our drug of choice or the amount of time we think about our next fix.

We were in denial that our secret addiction impacted our behaviors towards others.

    Have you ever told yourself that you would not act out on your anger only to discover that you act out in some other way? That’s the way it is with addictions. Even though we are keeping what we do a secret, it has a way of coming out sideways—just when we least expect it! It can show itself in the form of angry outbursts, selfishness, denying our loved ones the emotional comfort they seek from us and our willingness to detach mentally and emotionally from those around us.
    When we’re in denial we develop an arrogance we cannot see. We think that what we do doesn’t hurt ourselves or anyone else. What we don’t know is that the things we do privately show outwardly to others in ways that we cannot see.

(to be continued)